Stranger Things Have Happened

I have a confession to make.

I'm addicted to trashy TV shows. And I mean trashy. I love Cheaters, Maury, and Jerry Springer, mostly because they make me feel so much better about my own life (which normally I like just fine, except for the whole unemployment = no money = no new pretties for me). Every time I see a woman on TV, almost invariably poor and undereducated, bawling away because she doesn't know who her baby daddy is, I can't help but smile. I believe the Germans refer to this feeling as schafenfreude.

Since I am unemployed and have no money, I can only take pleasure in the little things in life, such as not having a philandering or abusive significant other, and that none of my family members are sleeping with each other. There is nothing like hearing the saga of a woman who doesn't know if her child's father is her husband or mom's fiance to light a fire under my ass and get those resumes flying out of my printer. There's just something incredibly satisfying about watching a real-life drama unfold before you from the safety of your couch and knowing that there is no way it can affect you.

That's not entirely the case for my family, however. Three of my mom's sisters visited the Jerry Springer Show (as AUDIENCE MEMBERS, my dear readers, not GUESTS!), and while I have never watched the footage of this particular episode, I am reliably informed that at least one of my aunts is visible during the show. She stood up to address one of the guests on stage, a woman with violently and patently fake orange hair.

'Hey, you, with the Bozo hair!'

The rest of her scathing remark was drowned out by howls of outrage from the people on stage, and cheers from the audience. The insulted guest lunged for my aunt, so quickly that she later said she didn't even realize what was happening until the muscle-bound security officers moved to intercept. They successfully dragged the woman off, probably accompanied by a string of epithets that would make a sailor blush. As far as I know, the remainder of the episode passed without incident - nothing in which my relatives played a part, at least. After the show, Jerry Springer went around greeting some of the guests, and arrived at my aunts. My aunt (wanting just a little more drama...what can I say? It runs in the family), after meeting Jerry, helpfully pointed out that her older sister next to her was single. Jerry then took her hand, kissed it, and said, "I'm rich," in the manner of an adult trying to entice a child with a particularly tasty treat. The idea of him being my uncle, for as entertaining as I find him, makes my skin crawl.

My aunt has since married, and I am grateful for the near escape. Admittedly, if he had become family, I would never be lost for tasteless entertainment again, and I could have spent my days mercilessly heckling guests while peering from behind the security guards. But I don't think the sacrifice would have been worth it. Once someone like that becomes family, that television carnival changes from being a source of great amusement to downright mortifying.

Still, if I ever decide to visit Jerry Springer or a similar show, I have no intentions of keeping my mouth shut...but I draw the line at marriage.